Friday, December 14, 2012

Stop. Pray.

A sense of numbness.  I have not felt like this since 9/11.

I don't need to know "why" - that's really so very easy.  We are a sinful people by our very nature.  These things will always happen.

So beyond that, there is an intense feeling that the entire world should just ....STOP.  Stop - and do nothing else, but pray, and absorb and acknowledge and GET what has just happened.  STOP.  And do NOTHING but pray for the souls of those who have left us.  Pray for the soul of the very sick young man who brought this pain on us all.  Pray for those eternally wounded who have witnessed this in so many ways - those who helped, those who survived, those who will help the survivors.  

As a friend said today - get on your knees.  Oh, how I wish that at a time like this the entire world would do just that.  Kneel.  Pray.  Pray for mercy.  Pray for peace.  Pray for wisdom. Pray for understanding.  Pray for faith.  

Oh how I wish the entire would would just.....stop....and pray.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

My struggle... random lunch time thoughts

How petty-minded we are when we cannot bring ourselves to forget some injury received, even after a long time!  Whoever sincerely pardons another calls down abundant blessings and perfectly imitates Christ.
St. Frances de Sales

I get this - really I do.  I know it's right, and I know it's how I need to model my life to grow in holiness.  But knowing is only part of the battle.  HOW do I do this?

Decades of hurt and betrayal.  Continuing abuse and neglect of another.  I can get past the old stuff, and I think I've done a pretty darn good job of pardoning the "injury received" in my past.  Even if it does sneak up on me now and then. But it's the new pain, the new injury.  How do you forgive, when the pain is just not stopping, and the blows continue to come?  Certainly that's what Christ did on the cross - for hours of agonizing pain, He never felt malice or hate, but only forgave.  But I am not Divine.

I can't fight this with tears, wishes, fists, or even walking away.  It is the continuous struggle of receiving the blow, and just getting back up again to say, "I forgive".

Wow.  So prayer is the only weapon I have in my arsenal.  I say 'wow' because it is truly humbling and awe inspiring to think that, at the end of the day, all we really DO have at our disposal is prayer, and the faith that goes along with it.  My heart truly breaks for those who don't have this in their lives --- where do they go for hope?  Without that hope I would surely go insane.

Surely this will be the hardest thing I will ever do in my entire life.  And it will most probably continue for many many years to come.  Not something to look forward to, but I can't think of any other suitable alternative.  

I thank God daily for my husband.  I could never ever do this without him.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

5min 13sec

It's like he's already gone.  Today, it was 5min 13 sec.  That's actually pretty good, on most days I can only get about 2min out of him on the phone.  

He found it in him to go to the parade, and to the big family meal, but he can't give me more than 5min 13sec.

It's been 37 years now.  How long will it take me to realize that he chose the family he wants to be with?  How long till I get it that I can't fight her influence over him?  Am I angry because "she won"?  Or am I really angry that I've lost him?  After so many years, I'm not sure anymore.

I have to hold tight of those memories --- snow covered Woodward of a beautiful December night on our way to the concert...dancing to oldies at his retirement party...his arm around me before he walked me down the aisle to marry the man I love more than life...the time we sat on the couch and held hands and cried...

He's just so gone to me now - yet not really truly gone.  Like a taunting shadow of what he once was, all the goodness and light sucked out of him by her neglect and impatience.

Could I blast over there and demand he spend time with me?  Drag him out to dinner, and embarrass him by treating him like a child?  Beg?  Plead?

Pray.   It's all I can do -- and I continue to do as often as I can keep him there.

And cry - yeah, I do that too.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

A Daughter's Pain

So today I realize that I have really and truly lost my daddy.  He will never again be that handsome man, spinning me around the dance floor, and singing oldies with me.  Smiling at him from across the room as he stands at the mic and belts it out with Tim and the guys.  I know now that I'll never have that again.  We will never grow old together as I've always dreamed we would.

He is ill.  And now possibly terminally so.  Thursday afternoon, hopefully, I will know.

So much goes rushing through my mind.  Past regrets, sadness, neglect, betrayal.  Our lives together have run the full gamut of all possible drama plot lines.  But he has always been my daddy, even when I hated him for doing what was right.

Regardless of what happens on Thursday, I know he won't fight.  That is the horrific sadness of it all.  Even if it's not as bad as I really think it is - he won't fight.  He will let whatever this is, and the crap that surrounds him, take him away from me.  He just does not have it in him to fight for his own life.  Something I will never understand.  It's difficult to not get it --- if you love me, why won't you fight to be here with me?  Why will you just give up, and blame it all on God?  He gives you the ability to fight - you just need to grab onto it and take it!!  But he won't, and I know this, and it just tramples my heart to pieces.

So for now, we wait.  Wait till Thursday, and see what they have to say.  And in the mean time I treasure every single good night text I get from him -- and I thank God for the technology that brings that tender little lifeline to me, so that I can say good night to him, and tell him that I love him.  Every night.  8:30pm

I love you daddy.
~Paper Moon

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

The Emasculation of Men

I just read this really nauseating piece of writing My First Abortion Party.

This is my response:

The other sadness here is the emasculation of men in the abortion debate. Because abortion is seen as a woman's issue, and only women have a say in what happens with their bodies, men are left by the sidelines wondering "Hey, what about me? I was there too, remember?". Which is its own curious reaction. If it was just sex that didn't really mean anything, and the result is a bunch of cells that don't really mean anything, then why are men concerned or even care at all what happens? It is because in their heart of hearts they KNOW there is a baby there, and that baby is their own flesh and blood. And any good and responsible man has an aching urge to protect their child, regardless of the circumstances of conception. But women, in their quest for freedom (from what, I'm still trying to understand), push the men away, removing their kinship to the "clump of cells", telling them they don't matter (when they did obviously, at least for the time it took to conceive), and that what they think, feel, desire is irrelevant.

And men are letting it happen.

Why more men don't speak up about abortion is beyond me. I'm not talking about those on the outside looking in, I'm talking about the men hurt by abortion. Those men who are brushed to the side of the road, and chucked in the bin to be seen as useless as the "clump of cells" sucked out on the abortionist's table. Why is it that more men are not speaking out? I can almost understand why some women would not/could not, due to the emotional pain and sheer embarrassment and shame of killing their child. But the men who are pushed aside and hurt just as deeply, sometimes even more so because they are left so powerless by the women who tell them they don't matter outside the bedroom - these men need to tell the world their side of the story.

So the result of this emasculation of men through abortion is generations of men who are no longer seen as protectors. No longer thought of as strong and dependable. Men who are only useful as needed, and have no redeeming value outside of providing a paycheck and a warm bed. We see this daily in the caricature of men in sitcoms and advertisements, movies and billboards. Men are now the butt of jokes, women are the strong and intelligent, men are weak and stupid.

And there are those who actually scratch their heads and wonder why we have exploding divorce, spouse abuse, child abuse, and runaway men who don't care for their children. These men were raised in a society to believe they are useless - and so they live up to that ideal. And this is even more prevalent among African American men - see the connection between higher abortion rates in that community? An ah-ha moment to be sure.

So - how do we break this cycle? The first reaction is to say get rid of abortion. But that just does not seem to be happening fast enough. I mean, in the mean time. What can we do to bring our men back to being men and not just pushed around sissies?

They need to speak out - I can't do it for them. No one can do it for them. The men who are pushed to the fringes of the party, kicked to the curb, and told to shut up and go away while their children are murdered (and told to pay for the process), need to SPEAK UP. They need to tell these women that they will NOT be dismissed and will not sit idly by while their babies are sucked out through tubes, they will NOT be made the patsy of disgusting "sperm donor" jokes.

Because if the men can't stand up for themselves - no one else can, or will.

If you know a man who is the victim of abortion, please ask him to speak out and help to put an end to this madness.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Ages and ages past - it's a new world now.

It's been a very long time since I've posted to this blog. We live in a very different world now. How life has changed in just a few short years. We now have a president who is tearing apart the very fabric of this country, while those who love and adore him trample on all that is good and holy. Perhaps the topic of further posts.

In the mean time, I've found that love of my life, the man who is the twin of my soul. The thought of him makes me smile even as I write this. :-) He makes me crazy insane at times, but love him still I do and would marry him again tomorrow if given the chance. Ahhh - the beauty and grace of the sacrament, I never knew or imagined it could be so good.

Not much to say just starting out again here after so long. But I hope to write a bit more frequently now. I used to keep written journals, but I find that I just don't have the time to put pen to paper these days.

God bless us all.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

For My Simon


Come out, my Knight
And be with me
And shed your heavy load
Release the armor of the years
Give me your heart to hold

Cast off your shield
And come to me
Be safe within my arms
Give Shield his retirement
Let me hold back love's harms

Lay down that sword
Be one with me
We'll not need it where we go
Love's gentle kiss, its soft embrace
Will guard us from all blows

My Knight! My Dream!
Share life with me!
Lie down on velvet cloak and take my hand
With raven's hair and eyes of night
Not Knight, Not Wolf - - but Man