Tuesday, November 27, 2012

5min 13sec

It's like he's already gone.  Today, it was 5min 13 sec.  That's actually pretty good, on most days I can only get about 2min out of him on the phone.  


He found it in him to go to the parade, and to the big family meal, but he can't give me more than 5min 13sec.

It's been 37 years now.  How long will it take me to realize that he chose the family he wants to be with?  How long till I get it that I can't fight her influence over him?  Am I angry because "she won"?  Or am I really angry that I've lost him?  After so many years, I'm not sure anymore.

I have to hold tight of those memories --- snow covered Woodward of a beautiful December night on our way to the concert...dancing to oldies at his retirement party...his arm around me before he walked me down the aisle to marry the man I love more than life...the time we sat on the couch and held hands and cried...

He's just so gone to me now - yet not really truly gone.  Like a taunting shadow of what he once was, all the goodness and light sucked out of him by her neglect and impatience.

Could I blast over there and demand he spend time with me?  Drag him out to dinner, and embarrass him by treating him like a child?  Beg?  Plead?

Pray.   It's all I can do -- and I continue to do as often as I can keep him there.

And cry - yeah, I do that too.