Friday, December 14, 2012

Stop. Pray.

A sense of numbness.  I have not felt like this since 9/11.


I don't need to know "why" - that's really so very easy.  We are a sinful people by our very nature.  These things will always happen.

So beyond that, there is an intense feeling that the entire world should just ....STOP.  Stop - and do nothing else, but pray, and absorb and acknowledge and GET what has just happened.  STOP.  And do NOTHING but pray for the souls of those who have left us.  Pray for the soul of the very sick young man who brought this pain on us all.  Pray for those eternally wounded who have witnessed this in so many ways - those who helped, those who survived, those who will help the survivors.  

As a friend said today - get on your knees.  Oh, how I wish that at a time like this the entire world would do just that.  Kneel.  Pray.  Pray for mercy.  Pray for peace.  Pray for wisdom. Pray for understanding.  Pray for faith.  

Oh how I wish the entire would would just.....stop....and pray.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

My struggle... random lunch time thoughts

How petty-minded we are when we cannot bring ourselves to forget some injury received, even after a long time!  Whoever sincerely pardons another calls down abundant blessings and perfectly imitates Christ.
St. Frances de Sales

I get this - really I do.  I know it's right, and I know it's how I need to model my life to grow in holiness.  But knowing is only part of the battle.  HOW do I do this?

Decades of hurt and betrayal.  Continuing abuse and neglect of another.  I can get past the old stuff, and I think I've done a pretty darn good job of pardoning the "injury received" in my past.  Even if it does sneak up on me now and then. But it's the new pain, the new injury.  How do you forgive, when the pain is just not stopping, and the blows continue to come?  Certainly that's what Christ did on the cross - for hours of agonizing pain, He never felt malice or hate, but only forgave.  But I am not Divine.

I can't fight this with tears, wishes, fists, or even walking away.  It is the continuous struggle of receiving the blow, and just getting back up again to say, "I forgive".

Wow.  So prayer is the only weapon I have in my arsenal.  I say 'wow' because it is truly humbling and awe inspiring to think that, at the end of the day, all we really DO have at our disposal is prayer, and the faith that goes along with it.  My heart truly breaks for those who don't have this in their lives --- where do they go for hope?  Without that hope I would surely go insane.

Surely this will be the hardest thing I will ever do in my entire life.  And it will most probably continue for many many years to come.  Not something to look forward to, but I can't think of any other suitable alternative.  

I thank God daily for my husband.  I could never ever do this without him.