Tuesday, May 29, 2012

A Daughter's Pain

So today I realize that I have really and truly lost my daddy.  He will never again be that handsome man, spinning me around the dance floor, and singing oldies with me.  Smiling at him from across the room as he stands at the mic and belts it out with Tim and the guys.  I know now that I'll never have that again.  We will never grow old together as I've always dreamed we would.

He is ill.  And now possibly terminally so.  Thursday afternoon, hopefully, I will know.

So much goes rushing through my mind.  Past regrets, sadness, neglect, betrayal.  Our lives together have run the full gamut of all possible drama plot lines.  But he has always been my daddy, even when I hated him for doing what was right.

Regardless of what happens on Thursday, I know he won't fight.  That is the horrific sadness of it all.  Even if it's not as bad as I really think it is - he won't fight.  He will let whatever this is, and the crap that surrounds him, take him away from me.  He just does not have it in him to fight for his own life.  Something I will never understand.  It's difficult to not get it --- if you love me, why won't you fight to be here with me?  Why will you just give up, and blame it all on God?  He gives you the ability to fight - you just need to grab onto it and take it!!  But he won't, and I know this, and it just tramples my heart to pieces.

So for now, we wait.  Wait till Thursday, and see what they have to say.  And in the mean time I treasure every single good night text I get from him -- and I thank God for the technology that brings that tender little lifeline to me, so that I can say good night to him, and tell him that I love him.  Every night.  8:30pm

I love you daddy.
~Paper Moon