KO

 She came to live with us on my birthday, three months after we were married. 

A scared and scarred 17 year old girl who didn't know how to make a bed or use a gas stove. Her family life was messed up beyond belief, secrets that no one really knew about, only that it was so bad she was going to live in her car in the dead of winter. My shiny new husband said, "Not on my watch.".  And so she brought what little she had to our tiny spare bedroom in our tiny house. I tried my best to make her as comfortable as possible. Gave her a place to just be. Safe, clean, quiet. 

She had to finish school, and because she was going to private schools and that could not continue, she figured out on her own how to complete her diploma with online homeschooling. I was so freaking proud of her!! We gave her a graduation party at a friend's pool and everyone had a wonderful time. We got to have her with us for about a year. She was able to get into a private college in CA, her parents paid her way, and off she went to the left coast. I still love reading her updates to us when they come up in my Facebook memories. It just makes my heart soar that she longed to be back at "home" with us, and looked forward to trying new recipes with us, and just being back in her room that we spiffed up and made cute for her. 

Well, as these things happen, she met someone and fell in love. A truly wonderful man who we liked from the start. I was so happy for her! 

For all these years I've struggled so much with my emotions. She has parents. They are not us. My heart has wanted to be in that mother role with her for so very long, but I am not her mother and can never be that. She has a mother, dysfunctional and ill as she may be. There are times though when I wish I could be there for her as a mother and to feel like she was ours. But she's not. 

I love her to the ends of the earth. And their children as well. There are no words to explain how happy I am that we made the decision to bring her into our life. She has turned into such an amazing mother, wife, friend as an adult. She has come so far in her struggles with childhood trauma, mental illness, postpartum depression, dietary issues. So much for one person to deal with! But she's amazing. Again - so proud of her! 

Thankful to God that we have her in our life. I'm happy to just be in the background of her life and still be a tiny part of it. God has blessed us with her and her beautiful family, and I am so very happy and humbled by that. 

I love you KO. More than you will ever know. 

On finding joy

On finding joy
 I’ve been feeling like everything I’ve written so far is such an incredible downer. It’s all about crappy experiences and hurt and sadness. But that’s really not how I feel about my life at all. Generally speaking, I am a happy person. While I think I’m not AS happy and joyful as I was about 20 years ago, I do find joy and happiness in my life. I thought that I would simply list the things that do truly give me joy, a list lending itself more to the topic than a long form boring elaboration that would lean heavily into silliness. 

So here ya go – my list of happy:

· The look on my husband’s face when he sees me after a long day
· A beautifully simple yet exquisite Low Mass – TLM style – no organ, no choir, no cantor. Pure bliss.
· My best friend’s quick “love ya” at the end of a phone call 
· My kitty napping on my chest after making heaps of biskies
· Laundry drying on the line – crisp sheets and tablecloths floating on the breeze
· Freshly cut grass and tidy lawns 
· A basket of perfectly folded laundry – even if it doesn’t get put away for a week. Or three. 
· The view out our front windows
· How the morning sunlight comes through the bedroom windows for about 30 seconds before hiding behind the neighbor’s house
· My beautiful home when I’m able to open up all the doors and see the pretty rooms
· Birds singing on a summer morning when the windows are open and I get to lie in for a bit 
· Fresh sheets on the bed, fresh jammies, right out of the shower. 
· Perfect breeze through the windows
· Dancing. Any chance I can get. It never happens anymore, but when I can I am truly elevated. 
· My husband’s homemade bread and poached eggs – well, pretty much anything out of his kitchen makes me happy.
· Standing under the yews in the backyard. I’ve gone there in time of deep grief and sadness, and my kitty is buried there, but it still makes me happy to go there.
· Seeing my Baby Mouse Ears hosta come up each year, and realizing I haven’t killed it – yet. 
· Every winter - listening to George Winston-December. It still, after decades, speaks to my soul. 
· Our home decorated for Christmas - every ornament has a story. So many stories. 
· The rare occasion when I can paint my nails and my hands look pretty
My husband.